Paranormal
It's October, and you know what that means: Thousands of monsters, ghouls and witches are going to rise from the dead to haunt their enemies and steal food from people. If you don't believe me, you obviously don't know how the government works.
Oh, and Halloween is around the corner.
No, I mean that literally. I've written "HALLOWEEN" in large letters on a sheet of paper, and I've stuck it in one corner of my room. Whenever someone asks me what it is, I say "Halloween, it's around the corner." Of course, they don't get it, and give me an incredulous stare that just makes me want to write about it.
As we all know, Halloween is a time when you can dress up as your favorite character from comics, television, movies, folklore, or mythology, and go to people's houses, knock on their doors, and ask them for food. I cannot imagine a more elaborate hoax for begging. Am I the only one who finds it absurd that there's a whole national holiday set aside for you to get dressed up and to go to a complete stranger's house to ask them for candy bars? Whatever happened to buying your own candy bars? Or have all the convenience stores been completely wiped out of existence?
Let's step back for a moment here, and try to imagine the very same events that occur on Halloween night, occuring on any other day. Imagine you get dressed up in the complete Superman outfit, going to some house you pick at random. You knock on the door, and when they open up, you ask them for something to eat. The only thing that you'll be eating is your brain after they beat it out and crush it to a bloody pulp. Or even worse, if that person has a lawyer, try explaining it in a courtroom when the lawyer asks you, "Please tell the jury exactly what you were wearing when you trespassed on Mr. Anderson's property and what you tried to extort from him."
Which brings us to a very important question: Why does Halloween exist? That question can be answered with another question: Why do people watch stupid television soap operas? The answer is not, "Because people are stupid." The answer is because during the early stages of evolution when we were just making that transition from dumb, ape-like creatures to dumb, human-like creatures, someone thought that it would be a great way to get extra food if they could dress up as some character like a dinosaur, and then ask for food. After all, who could refuse food to a two-story tall Tyrannosaurus Rex that spoke in English? The idea caught on really fast, and soon it had become a trend to watch soap operas. That's because soap operas were the only things available at the time that could make your brain so completely useless that you'd find it fun to dress up as something equally stupid. Nowadays, we've made progress. Not only do we have soap operas, we also have golf. But that's a completely different topic.
Over the next thousands of years, civilization made progress, and people had to go to work. So Halloween was reduced to just an annual event. And because of this, a minority of small, highly intelligent chlidren such as myself, had to suffer the ignominy of wearing a costume every Halloween. The costume probably seemed "cute" to the grown ups, but all I could see was MORONIC written all over it. It felt so dumb having to go with a group of a group of equally stupid looking kids who apparently seemed elated about wearing their MORONICs, and then knocking on the door of a house. The door would open, and out would come a smiling old hag. Really, it was always these ladies so ugly, they knew they didn't need a mask for Halloween. I often wondered where all the pretty girls were. Anyways, the hags would then lean over so close to me, I felt like bopping them right in the nose. Then they'd ask something stupid, like "So what are you dressed up as?" That's when I felt like kicking them in the face. "What does it look like I'm dressed up as? A telephone book?"
I finally grew up, and thank goodness I didn't have to wear a humiliating MORONIC anymore. But there was something equally as bad: giving away candy on Halloween. Halloween evening, my relaxation would be accompanied by the incessant ringing of my doorbell. I'd open the door to see some stupid little kid, snot flowing out its nose. I usually had a stash ready, so that before I had to hear those annoying words, "TRICK OR TREAAAT!!!", I'd shove the candy in their bags and slam the door shut. I even remember this one girl, who, instead of uttering those annoying words, said, "I'm one of the Spice Girls!!!" It was at that moment I sincerely wished I had a flame torch instead of candy. I could have blasted it on her face, and said "Yeah, you look hot!" Her mom was there too, and I wanted to punish her in the flames as well, for bringing this demon onto my planet.
I can guarantee, there's nothing worse than a little kid dressed up and trying to act cute. Nothing worse, of course, until I write another article and point out something worse. Anyways, I should probably get into the festive season and take part in celebrating the joys of capitalism, without which we wouldn't have over-commercialized holidays like Halloween, and without which thousands of executives around America can afford luxury yachts for their families while people in Africa starve to death.
So Happy Halloween to all! And if you're going to come to my place, be warned: I have a flame torch this time.
