Paranormal
You are probably aware of the Mars Rovers which recently went up there to the Red Planet, in order to explore and study the terrain, eventually proving that, beyond a reasonable doubt, men are not from Mars. (Women aren't from Venus anyways, since there are no shopping malls there).
Being a space buff, I was overjoyed when President Bush announced the Mission to Mars. This of course, was a very strategic move on the part of Bush, because for all we know, there might be WMDs on Mars, and they must be taken care of. And there could be bacteria like creatures there more dangerous than Saddam Hussein!
If you find all this to be ridiculous, then may I bring to your attention the movie "Mars Attacks"? What if we get attacked by these creatures with brains 5 times the size of ours? They'll beat us in all the tests and exams and then none of us will be able to get into a good University. That'll lead to a large amount of unemployed people not having a good degree. I don't know about you, but I would like the unemployed people of my nation to be well educated.
But the best outcome of this mission will be that we can eventually go there. That is what I am looking forward to. It would be nice to get away from all the things on this planet that are horrible and evil, that often make me cry: War, famine, racism, terrorism, Britney Spears, mosquitoes, onions and the RIAA.
Going to Mars isn't a new dream for humans. For as long as we evolved from cave-dwelling monkeys to apartment-dwelling monkeys, humans have often been looking at the sky at night-time, at the Red Planet (the other name for Mars, because it appears orange to the naked eye) moving through the sky, wondering that really was a giant tomato or not. As I've mentioned before, the name "Mars" (which is a Greek word, meaning "Mars") was given to this planet by the ancient Greeks, who were quite an advanced civilization for their period of time. The Greeks had a well established culture which patronized arts, mathematics, science, astronomy and wearing olive branches on their heads. However, not much funding was ever provided to their space program, most of it being diverted at the last minute, all due to a woman named "Helena," whose face was so horribly ugly, that a thousand ships were launched to escape the place. The space agency, not wanting to lose future funding, in an attempt to show progress, claimed that the red planet in the sky was in fact the God of War, who had a strong affection for a particular chocolate bar, and was thus the name "Mars."
So the point I'm trying to make is, we should go to Mars. Besides, it's too hot on Earth. Global warming is taking its toll on us now, and although the media does not want to let us know, the signs are all in front of us, clear to see. The length of the summer season has increased considerably - it's been summer in my city for the past 3 years and counting. In fact, it's so hot here, the chickens are laying boiled eggs. Heck, when I step outside the building for a smoke, my cigarette is already lit.
What's more, the Antarctic ice shelf has been melting, and I've lost a lot of hair off my head. If that isn't a sign of global warming, I don't know what is. All-in-all, these are good enough reasons to get off this planet.
Of course, there will be a few things that we need to take note of regarding this mission. Red-Green color blind people will not be allowed to go, because they won't even see the planet. All they'll see is the black void of space, and so they wouldn't be of much use to any of us.
Next, and thank goodness for this one, we won't have to endure torturous hours of watching cricket or golf on television. Because cricket balls are red, nobody would be able to see the ball. And golf balls would get trapped in sand pits everywhere, because Mars is one giant sand pit! Instead, we can play a new sport, something I like to call "Screaming Rocks" wherein we take golfers and cricketers, and hurl them down large canyons or volcanoes and watch them splatter to bits against the rocks, far, far below. Certainly more interesting than their respective sports! To increase the enjoyment, we could add lawyers to the mix, and televise the event, globally. No... we'll televise it all over the Solar System! I'm sure the Jupiterians share the same feelings for lawyers as we do.
About Internet access. We'll obviously have to dial in to some location on Earth. Now, since Mars is about 78 million kilometers away from Earth, light would take about 4.5 minutes to travel that distance. Therefore, it would take us about 4 hours for us to dial up to our ISP on earth and just manage to reach our Inbox or for the download progress bar indicator to reach 99% before being disconnected and not being able to connect again. That's just about how it is on Earth right now, so no issues there.
And finally, here is the clincher: Going to the office or a mall won't be a harrowing experience: there's parking space for everyone!
I'm going to let you think about this for a while. Think of the screaming rocks...
