The Moral of the Story Is...

The Horse and the Chicken

A horse and a chicken were playing in a meadow. Suddenly, the horse fell into a mude hole, and started sinking. He called to the chicken for help. The chicken knew it wasn't strong enough to pull out the horse by herself, so the chicken runs to the farm to get the farmer. But the farmer was nowhere to be found. So the chicken drove the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole, tied some rope around the bumper, and threw it to the horse. The chicken drove the car forward and saved the horse from sinking.

A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again, and this time the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go get some help from the farmer. The horse thought to himself, "I think I can stand over that hole!" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, "Grab my penis and pull yourself up." And the chicken did and was pulled to safety.

Moral of the Story: If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

Little Johnny

One day at the end of class, little Johnny’s teacher asked the class to go home and think of a story and then conclude with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.

Little Suzy raises her hand. “My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.” The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, “Don’t keep all your eggs in one basket.”

Next is little Bobby. “Well, my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched.” Teacher asks for the moral of the story. Bobby replies, “Don’t count your eggs before they’re hatched.”

Last is little Johnny. “My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war. His plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun, and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer. Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.”

Teacher looks in shock at Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story. Johnny replies, “Don’t fuck with uncle Ted when he’s been drinking.”

It takes a lot...

One day, in a peaceful forest, a fly buzzed over a stream.

In the stream, a salmon was swimming, and it looked up and saw the fly. It thought to itself, "If that fly would drop down about a half an inch, I'd be able to jump up, catch it, and I'd have myself something to eat."

Alongside the stream, a bear was standing. The bear looked at the fly, and thought to itself, "If that fly would drop down about a half an inch, that salmon would jump up to catch it, and I could jump out, snag that salmon, and I'd have myself something to eat."

Across the stream, up a steep slope, a hunter was hidden in the brush. The hunter looked at the fly, and thought to himself, "If that fly would drop down about a half an inch, that salmon would jump up to catch it, the bear would jump up to catch the salmon, and I could jump up, shoot the bear, and I'd have myself a new trophy."

Hidden in the grass behind the hunter was a mouse. The mouse looked at the fly, and thought to itself, "If that fly would drop down about a half an inch, the salmon would jump up to catch it, the bear would jump up to catch the salmon, the hunter would jump up to shoot the bear, the sandwich in the hunter's pocket would fall out, and I'd have myself something to eat."

A bit higher up the slope, on a jutting rock, sat a pussy cat. The pussy cat looked down at the fly, and thought to itself, "If that fly would drop down about a half an inch, the salmon would jump up to catch it, the bear would jump up to catch the salmon, the hunter would jump up to shoot the bear, the sandwich in the hunter's pocket would fall out, the mouse would hop over to get the sandwich, I could leap down on the mouse, and I'd have myself something to eat."

At that moment, the fly dropped down about a half an inch. The salmon leapt up and caught the fly, the bear leapt out and snagged the salmon, the hunter jumped up and shot the bear, the mouse hopped out and started to eat the hunter's sandwich, and the pussy cat leapt down to catch the mouse...but it missed. It rolled down the slope, and fell into the stream.

Moral of the Story: A lot of things have to happen for a pussy to get wet.

The Turkey and the Bull

A turkey was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the turkey right out of the tree.

Moral of the Story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

The Bird that flew North

There was once a bird who wanted to defy the norm. It was winter and hell no, he wasn't going to fly south. The bird headed north. After a few days in the cold blizzards, he couldn't take it anymore and started off to the south. Halfway there his wings froze and he plummeted to the ground below. He knew he was a goner and he made the dumbest mistake ever. Soon a horse passed by and crapped on the small bird. The poor bird felt very sad. However, the heat of the shit warmed him and defrosted his wings. Finally able to breathe and move freely, the bird was ecstatic and chirping in joy. A cat in a nearby bush heard the bird and pounced on the bird, swallowing him in one gulp.

Moral of the Story: Everyone who shits on you doesn't mean that their you're enemy. Everyone who gets you out of shit aren't necessarily your friend. And, if you're warm and happy in a pile of shit....keep your mouth shut.

End of the World

Once upon a time, their lived in a magical land a snake, named Nate. In this land, actually rather close to Nate's house there was a great road, and next to this road was a lever. The lever was ancient, and the mythology around the lever was that if you were to push it, it would trigger the end of the world. One day, Nate was slithering down the road, and he came upon the lever, and began crossing the road so he could look at it. At the same moment, a truck came careening around a corner, and the driver found himself in a dilemma: either hit the snake or end the world. Needless to say, the driver ran over Nate and went on his merry way.

Moral of the story: Better Nate than Lever

Fly Story

There once was a happy little fly buzzing around a barn one day when she happened upon a large pile of fresh cow manure. Since it had been hours since her last meal and she was feeling hunger pangs, she flew down to the irresistible delicacy and began to munch out.

She ate and ate and then she ate some more !!! Finally, she decided she'd had plenty. She washed her face with her tiny front legs, belched a few times, then attempted to fly away.

But alas she had pigged out far too much and could not get off the ground.

She looked around wondering what to do about this unpleasant situation when she spotted a pitchfork leaning upright against the barn wall. She'd found a solution!! She realized if she could just become airborne she'd be able to fly.

So, she, painstakingly, climbed to the top of the handle. Once there, she took a deep breath, spread her tiny fly wings, and leaped confidently into the air. She dropped like a rock and splattered all over the floor.

Dead fly!

Moral of the Story: "Never fly off the handle when you know you're full of crap."

Opportunity

A priest was driving along and saw nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing the habit to open and reveal a leg. The priest looks and nearly has an accident, and after changing gear lets his hand slide up her leg.

She immediately says, "Father, remember Psalm 129".

The priest says sorry and removes his hand but is unable to remove his eyes from her leg. Further on when he changes gear and has ogled at her leg for the zillionth time he lets the hand slide up the leg again.

The Nun once again says, "Father remember Psalm 129".

Arriving at the convent the nun gets out and the priest goes on his way. Once he arrives at his church he rushes to the bible and looks up Psalm 129 and it said, "GO FORTH AND SEEK, FURTHER UP YOU WILL FIND GLORY"

Moral of the Story: In your job should always be well informed or you may miss a great opportunity.