Here's Your Sign

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm stupid". That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me... oops, never mind, didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says "Hey, you moving?" I say, "Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week so see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

"I was out in the front yard with my boy the other day and he was playing with his little friend, and he hit his friend and I went up to him and I said 'Hey, (smacks his boy), we don't hit.'
"He looked up at me like, 'Here's your sign, dad.'

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big 'ol stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?" I says, "Nope, talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "All right Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you." "Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?" I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house and he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!" See? If he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know I misjudged the height of a bridge? The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning. Ok...no problem. I thought sure he was clear of needing a sign... until he asked "So...is your truck stuck?" I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, "no I'm delivering a bridge...here's your sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you still here?" I replied, "No, I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign."

The other day, I went to watch Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers. A friend of mine saw me there, came up to me and asked, "You here for the movie?" I said "Nope! I'm here to collect donations for the homeless Orcs. Here's your sign"

I was going to Joyce Street the other day and in the bus, this huge fat lady wearing high heels stepped on my feet. I doubled up in pain and screamed "OUCH!" This lady, leans over and asks, "I'm sorry, did that hurt?" "Nope, not at all! I'm on local anasthaesia. You wanna try again?" And I gave her a sign.

A couple months ago, I was eating at an Italian restaurant, when a guy at the table next to mine asked the waiter "Is your lasagna good?" The waiter, not missing a chance, said "No sir, it's tastes like crap but we hope nobody notices. Here's your sign."

A group of us family members were sitting at my house having a good time, when my sister announced that she was getting married to her boyfriend of 2 years. My aunt asked her, "Is the guy you're marrying good?" With a smile, my sister said, "No, he's a wife beating alcholic and I'm marrying him for the money. Here's your sign."

I once got a phone call at 2 AM in the morning! And the lame brain had the audacity to ask me, "Sorry, were you sleeping?" I said, "No Dave, I was just standing with my eyes closed and the bed tripped me over. When would you like your sign delivered?"

I got a haircut and went to work a couple days ago. My boss asked me, "You got a haircut?" I said "No, sir, it's autumn and I'm shedding. Here's your sign."

I was smoking outside the office the other day, and the same boss saw me. He came over and asked, "Oh, you smoke?" Without wasting the opportunity, I said "Nope, I was licking a piece of chalk and now it's on fire. You oughta wear your sign."

This morning I got caught in the rain on my way to work and I had no umbrella, so I got drenched. I got into the elevator dripping wet.  A woman standing in the elevator next to me asked, "Oh is it raining outside?" I replied "Nope, it's  my first day on the job and I'm really nervous.  Here's your sign."

Anybody you know need a sign today?