More than 101 Big Dick Jokes

101 Big Dick Jokes


  1. My dick is so big, there's still snow on it in the summertime.
  2. My dick is so big, I went to The Viper Room and my dick got right in. I had to stand and argue with the doorman.
  3. My dick is so big, I have to call it Mr. Dick in front of company.
  4. My dick is so big, it won't return Spielberg's calls.
  5. My dick is so big, it graduated a year ahead of me from high school.
  6. My dick has an elevator and a lobby.
  7. My dick has better credit than I do.
  8. My dick is so big, clowns climb out of it when I cum.
  9. My dick is so big, it was overthrown by a military coup. It's now known as the Democratic Republic of My Dick.
  10. My dick is so big, it has casters.
  11. My dick is so big, I'm already fucking a girl tomorrow.
  12. My dick is so big, ships use it to find their way into the harbor.
  13. My dick is so big, there was once a movie called Godzilla vs. My Dick.
  14. My dick is so big, it lives next door.
  15. My dick is so big, I entered it in a big-dick contest and it came in first, second, and third.
  16. My dick is so big, it votes.
  17. My dick is a better dresser than I am.
  18. My dick is so big, it has a three-picture deal.
  19. My dick is so big that the head of it has only seen my balls in pictures.
  20. My dick is so big, Henry Aaron used it to hit his 750th home run.
  21. My dick runs the 440 in 15 seconds
  22. My dick is the Walrus, koo koo ga joob.
  23. No matter where I go, my dick always gets there first.
  24. My dick takes longer lunches than I do.
  25. My dick contributed fifty thousand dollars to the Democratic National Committee.
  26. My dick was once the ambassador to China.
  27. My dick is so big, it's gone condo.
  28. My dick hit .370 in the minors before it hurt its knee.
  29. My dick was almost drafted by the Cleveland Browns, but Art Modell didn't want a bigger dick than he was on the team.
  30. My dick is so big, I use the Eiffel Tower as a French tickler.
  31. It's so big, when it rains the head of my dick doesn't get wet.
  32. My dick is so big, I could wear it as a tie if I wasn't so afraid of getting a hard-on and killing myself.
  33. My dick is so big, I have to use an elastic zipper.
  34. My dick is so big, it has feet.
  35. My dick is so big, a homeless family lives underneath it.
  36. My dick is so big, it takes four fat women and a team of Clydesdales to jack me off.
  37. My dick is so big, my mother was in labor for three extra days.
  38. My dick is so big, they use the bullet train to test my condoms.
  39. My dick is so big, it has investors.
  40. My dick is so big, it seats six.
  41. My dick is so big, I use a hula hoop as a cock ring.
  42. My dick is so big, we use it at parties as a limbo pole.
  43. My dick is so big, King Kong is going to crawl up it in the next remake.
  44. My dick is so big, it has an opening act.
  45. My dick is so big I can fuck an elevator shaft.
  46. My dick is so big, it has its own Wheaties box.
  47. My dick is so big, I have to cook it breakfast in the mornings.
  48. My dick is so big, the city had to carve a hole in the middle of it so cars could get through.
  49. My dick is so big, every time I get hard I cause a solar eclipse.
  50. My dick is so big, it only plays arenas.
  51. If you cut my dick in two, you can tell how old I am.
  52. My dick was once set on fire for a Dino DiLaurentis movie.
  53. My dick is so big, it needs an airplane warning light.
  54. My dick is so big, Trump owns it.
  55. My dick is so big that we're all a part of it, and it's all a part of us.
  56. My dick is so big, I can never sit in the front row.
  57. My dick is so big, that it has its own dick. And even my dick's dick is bigger than your dick.
  58. My dick is so big, you can't blow me without a ladder.
  59. My dick is so big, it only does one show a night.
  60. My dick is so big, you can ski down it.
  61. My dick is so big, it has an elbow.
  62. My dick is so big, I have to check it as luggage when I fly.
  63. My dick is so big, it has a personal trainer.
  64. My dick is so big, that right now it's in the other room fixing us drinks.
  65. My dick is so big, it has a retractable dome.
  66. My dick is so big, it has stairs up the center like the Statue of Liberty.
  67. My dick is so big, there's a sneaker named "Air My Dick"
  68. My dick is so big, I'm it's bitch.
  69. My dick is so big, it's against the law to fuck me without protective headgear.
  70. My dick is so big, I could fuck a tuba.
  71. My dick is so big, Stephen Hawking has a theory about it.
  72. My dick is so big, it has its own gravity
  73. NASA once launched a space probe to search for the tip of my dick.
  74. My dick is so big, it's impossible to see all of it without a satellite.
  75. The inside of my dick contains billions and billions of stars.
  76. My dick is so big, it has a spine.
  77. My dick is so big, it has a basement.
  78. My dick is so big, movie theaters now serve popcorn in small, medium, large, and My Dick.
  79. My dick is more muscular than I am.
  80. My dick is so big it has cable.
  81. My dick is so big, it violates seventeen zoning laws.
  82. My dick is so big, it has its own page in the Sierra Club calendar.
  83. My dick is so big, it has a fifty-yard line.
  84. My dick is so big, I was once in Ohio and got a blow job in Tennessee.
  85. My dick is so big, Las Vegas casinos fly it into town for free.
  86. My dick is so big, I can braid it.
  87. My dick is so big, that when it's Eastern Standard Time at the tip, it's Central Mountain Time at my balls.
  88. My dick is so big, I painted the foreskin red, white, and blue and used it as a flag.
  89. My dick is so big, I can sit on it.
  90. My dick is so big, it can chew gum.
  91. My dick is so big, it only tips with hundreds.
  92. My dick is so big, the Carnegie Deli named a sandwich after it. Actually, two sandwiches.
  93. My dick is so big, the city was going to build a statue of it but they ran out of cement.
  94. My dick is so big, Michael Jackson wants to build an amusement park on it.
  95. My dick is so big, when I get hard my eyebrows get pulled down to my neck.
  96. My dick is so big, you're standing on it.
  97. My dick is so big, it only comes into work when it feels like it.
  98. My dick is so big, it plays golf with the president.
  99. My dick is so big, it charges money for its autograph.
  100. My dick is so big, it has an agent. My dick's people will call your people. Let's have lunch with my dick.
  101. My dick is so big, it's right behind you.

Even more big dick jokes (reader submissions)


Thanks to Doug Leary, Phil Sarti, Citizen Monk and Zach Milwood.
  1. My dick is so big, when I broke my leg, they didn't put a cast on it, they just strapped it to my dick.
  2. My dick is so big, when I was in a porno, they had to release it on a 4 disc DVD box set.
  3. My dick is so big, it thinks the Grand Canyon is a virgin.
  4. My dick is so big, autumn haze is not even considering taking it.
  5. My dick is so big, they named the invasion of Normandy after it. (usually just known as D day)
  6. My dick is so big, interplanetary distances are measured in light years and my dick years.
  7. My dick is so big, it bought Microsoft from petty cash.
  8. My dick is so big, FedEx won't insure it.
  9. My dick is so big, it has a horizon.
  10. My dick is so big, it has tonsils.
  11. My dick is so big, it's known as Doctor Pecker.
  12. My dick is so big, I run three-legged races by myself.
  13. My dick is so big, that when I fly, it has to take the train.
  14. My dick is so big, it posts big dick jokes.
  15. My dick is so big, that it can think of far more big dick jokes than I can.
  16. My dick is so big, they refuse to put me in prison.
  17. My dick is so big, I can shoot for the Moon.
  18. My dick is so big, its a Weapon of Ass Destruction.
  19. My dick is so big, when I fall down, I fuck everyone in China.
  20. My dick is so big, it urinates by telepathy.
  21. My dick is so big, I left it at home.
  22. My dick is so big, it don't have veins, it has pipes.
  23. My dick is so big, sometimes it jerks me off.
  24. My dick is so big it was impeached by Congress.
  25. My dick is so big, Florida had to measure it twice.
  26. My dick is so big, it killed its ex-wife and got away with it scott free.
  27. My dick is so big, it's not just famous, it's IN famous.
  28. My dick is so big, it has a stunt double.
  29. My dick is so big, that I look like its dick in front of it!
  30. My dick is so big, compasses do not function properly around it.
  31. My dick is so big, the Pope has blessed it.
  32. My dick is so big, Al Gore invented it
  33. My dick is so big, black holes fall into it.
  34. My dick is so big, premature ejaculation takes ninety minutes.
  35. My dick is so big, it's wanted in nine states, and Canada.
  36. My dick is so big, when I get aroused, the Earth develops an elliptical orbit.
  37. My dick is so big, it's in a boy band with four other big dicks.
  38. My dick is so big, it's a government scapegoat.
  39. My dick is so big, it has its own seat in Congress.
  40. My dick is so big, it's worshipped as a Pagan God.
  41. My dick is so big, I can change channels without the remote.
  42. My dick is so big, I use it to smuggle illegal immigrants across the border.
  43. My dick is so big, I have to stand in the hall when I take a piss.
  44. My dick is so big it gives me an allowance.
  45. My dick is so big Alan Greenspan uses it to raise interest rates.
  46. My dick is so big, if I didn't sleep on my side, planes would crash into it at night.
  47. My dick is so big, I have to use a complex irrigation system just to take a piss.
  48. My dick is so big, it has it's own time zone - central dick time.
  49. My dick is so big, it could feed Ethiopia for a month.
  50. My dick is so big, it's ri-dick-ulous.
  51. My dick is so big, Frodo carried the Ring to it.
  52. My dick is so big, Osama bin Laden tried to fly a 747 into it.
  53. My dick is so big, it has its own moon.
  54. My dick is so big, it has its own wing at the Louvre.
  55. My dick is so big, Jimmy Hoffa is still hiding below it.
  56. My dick is so big, it has its own telethon.
  57. My dick is so big, the Indians in the hills sing songs about it.
  58. My dick is so big, Magellan only sailed halfway around it.
  59. My dick is so big, my parents had to get a building permit to have me circumcised.
  60. My dick is so big, it warps the space-dick continuum.
  61. My dick is so big, it wants a car when it turns 16.
  62. My dick is so big, for prom night I rented the Oscar Meyer Wiener Wagon instead of a limo.
  63. My dick is so big, it wears longer pants than I do.
  64. My dick is so big, my zipper is made by Bethlehem Steel.
  65. My dick is so big, it's on Google Maps, and they had to move satellites into higher orbit to photograph it.
  66. My dick is so big, it's carved on Mt. Rushmore next to Lincoln.
  67. My dick is so big, Rolling Stone calls it The Fifth Beatle.
  68. My dick is so big, there was a band called Earth, Wind and My Dick.
  69. My dick is so big I have to take it through a car wash.
  70. My dick is so big it costs a fortune to heat.
  71. My dick is so big it has a gift shop. People buy bumper stickers that say they visited My Dick.
  72. My dick is so big, airplanes tried to shoot it off the Empire State Building.
  73. My dick is so big it affects the Earth's magnetic field.
  74. My dick is so big, my first orgasm caused the Big Bang.
  75. My dick is so big, Hurricane Katrina gave me a blowjob.
  76. My dick is so big it affects the tides.
  77. My dick is so big, King Kong tried to climb it.
  78. My dick is so big it stood up to the IRS, and won!
  79. My dick is so big it has a restaurant on the top floor.
  80. My dick is so big I have to buy it its own airline seat.
  81. My dick is so big I can only fly on cargo planes.
  82. My dick is so big, Columbus discovered it and thought it was India.
  83. My dick is so big it shows up on radar.
  84. My dick is so big, it could have invaded Iraq all by itself.
  85. My dick is so big, Osama bin Laden hid under it for six months.
  86. My dick is so big it has its own national anthem.
  87. My dick is so big it beat up the class bully in high school.
  88. My dick is so big it's listed on the New York Stock Exchange.
  89. My dick is so big it charges more for graduation speeches than I do.
  90. My dick is so big the sperm bank opened a branch office just for it.
  91. My dick is so big it makes a Porsche want to buy a Ferrari.
  92. My dick is so big it's paved.
  93. My dick is so big it has a crosswalk.
  94. My dick is so big, I have to pay property taxes on it.
  95. My dick is so big, my home address is 1257 My Dick.
  96. My dick is so big it has a Day side and a Night side.
  97. My dick is so big the Titanic ran into it and sank.
  98. My dick is so big, scientists think it killed off the dinosaurs.
  99. My dick is so big, you can get lost on it and wander for days.
  100. My dick is so big it becomes a flotation device.
  101. My dick is so big you can see your house from it.
  102. My dick is so big it causes eclipses.
  103. My dick is so big it made a fortune in real estate before it was 30.
  104. My dick is so big it has a tollbooth at both ends.
  105. My dick is so big there's an observatory on it.
  106. My dick is so big you can ski down it.
  107. My dick is so big there's a My Dick Rescue Team stationed on it.
  108. My dick is so big it has a really good beach and several ok ones.
  109. My dick is so big there are isolated tribes living on remote areas of it.
  110. My dick is so big NASA still hasn't fully mapped its surface.
  111. My dick is so big the Amazon detours around it.
  112. My dick is so big I have an overpass in my pants.
  113. My dick is so big my balls have never seen the sky.
  114. My dick is so big it has its own two-party system. All the candidates suck.
  115. My dick is so big I have to establish a base camp before sex.
  116. My dick is so big my grandmother knits it sweaters.
  117. My dick is so big, the homeless sleep under it.
  118. My dick is so big it has its own zip code.
  119. My dick is so big it produces its own local weather.
  120. My dick is so big they've had to divide up the compass with, North, South, East, West and My Dick.
  121. My dick can be used as a flotation device in the highly unlikely event of a water landing.
  122. My dick is so big that once I got it stuck in my zipper and didn't even scream till I finally felt it two days later.
  123. My dick is so big, the Patriots acquired it to play football-next year, it'll be the entire front line.
  124. My dick is so big that there're currently a bunch of biologists filming a documentary on its untamed inhabitants.
  125. My dick is so big, while I'm eating peanuts way back in Coach, he's up in the big chair, talking to the tower; getting clearance to land; flying the plane.
  126. My dick can look directly into a second-story window. Flat-footed.
  127. My dick never has to audition for the part.
  128. My dick is so big, it was recently declared a Wilderness Preserve dedicated to the re-introduction of my dick into the wild.
  129. My dick is so big, Austrailian Aboriginals revere it as their 'New Uluru'.
  130. My dick is so big, certain parts of it sell alcohol; certain parts of it don't.
  131. My dick is so big it can't take the Panama Canal, but must sail all the way around the tip of South America.
  132. My dick is so big that European pranksters show up every night; stomping around all over it making fake crop circles.
  133. My dick has fiber optics.
  134. My dick is so big that if I accidentally trip over it, it takes 2-3 days just to hit the ground.
  135. My dick is so big that if it were a boat, there'd be no such thing as adequate scope for safe anchoring.
  136. My dick is so big its own gravity'll soon capture the Moon.
  137. My dick is so big it bullies all the smaller dicks out of their lunch money.
  138. My dick is so big that its flight is impossible without the aid of rising thermal updrafts.
  139. My dick is so big that Hannibal tried to ride it across the Himalayas.
  140. My dick is so big that my urologist is quadruplets.
  141. My dick is so big it's decided on a career in Law.
  142. My dick is so big, it might attract an IRS tax audit.
  143. My dick is so big, even Evel Knievel couldn't jump it on his Rocketbike.
  144. My dick has hosted Saturday Night Live-TWICE!
  145. My dick is so big; like the Louvre or Disneyworld; you really can't see it all in one day…
  146. My dick is so big, visitors at the zoo buy bags of peanuts to stuff up it.
  147. My dick is so big its considered a load-bearing member.
  148. My dick is so big that just keeping it painted is an unending chore.
  149. My dick is so big, lots of people think we're brothers.
  150. My dick is so big, the DMV is requiring me to obtain a Class B license.
  151. My dick is so big that its conjoined twin was born with just a head and one tiny, misshapen hand.
  152. My dick is so big the Coast Guard recently installed a 10 million candlepower searchlight at the tip.
  153. My dick is so big it changed its name to an unpronounceable symbol formerly known as Dick.
  154. My dick is so big that from the tip, everybody down there looks like teeny-tiny little ants.
  155. My dick is so big it scared early mapmakers who depicted it as a sea monster.
  156. My dick is so big; if it was a Pilgrim, it would've come to America on the Nina, the Pinta AND the Santa Maria.
  157. My dick is so big it could've fed the entire Donner Party-for two winters!
  158. My dick is so big, it takes two days and a good packmule to get up to the tip.
  159. My dick requires backcountry permits for all overnight hikes.
  160. My dick is so big, I've had to resort to hiring out-of-state hookers.
  161. My dick is so big it doesn't need a resume, a nice suit or a firm handshake to get the job.
  162. My dick is so big it has to downshift on steep grades.
  163. My dick is so big, smaller dicks may experience severe turbulence from my dick's wingtip vortices.
  164. My dick is so big, it may've already been assimilated by the Borg.
  165. My dick is so big, it has PDiddy on speed dial.
  166. My dick is so big, its got OnStar.
  167. My dick is so big, all the smaller dicks roll over, showing their bellies in submission.
  168. My dick is so big, it will stubbornly drive around for hours-TOTALLY LOST-and never once stop to ask for directions.
  169. My dick is so big, at first I thought it was using steroids to bulk up, but then I saw my dick's dick and IT WAS HUGE, TOO!
  170. My dick is so big,it takes 1 ½ miles to make a 90 degree turn.
  171. My dick and Las Vegas, NV create the exact same size carbon footprint.
  172. My dick is so big it has a private helipad.
  173. My dick is so big, its always cool in the winter, warm in the summer.
  174. My dick is so big, I have to bus in day laborers just to fidgit with my balls.
  175. My dick is so big it has Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
  176. My dick is so big it doesn't ship to AK or HI.
  177. My dick is so big there's a bumper sticker on back warning motorists not to drive in it's blind spot.
  178. My dick is so big the Eskimos have over 40 unique words that mean 'my dick'.
  179. My dick is so big, I'm already banging my next girlfriend's best friend.
  180. My dick is so big, it pilots its own Gulfstream Jet.
  181. My dick is so big, as soon as its won the superbowl; its ALREADY AT Disneyland!
  182. My dick is so big, if you climbed to the tip, you could see your house from there.
  183. My dick is so big that Verizon's leasing space at the tip for a cellphone tower.
  184. My dick is so big it has a four-lane bowling alley.
  185. My dick is so big I gotta use binoculars to just to make sure that ain't no man down there sucking it.
  186. My dick is so big it was mistakenly claimed for Spain by de Portola in 1629.
  187. My dick is so big, if Hillary beats it in the primaries, she'll likely win the Presidency.
  188. My dick is so big, it takes large prey items that may require weeks to move through its digestive tract.
  189. My dick is so big you'd better just get the Cliff's Notes version.
  190. My dick is so big, visitors are delighted with its scenic beauty as well as the deluxe accomodations, snack bar and pro-shop.
  191. My dick is so big, penthouse guests have reported there's a noticeable sway on windy days.
  192. My dick is recommended by four out of five dentists, AND their patients who chew my dick.
  193. My dick is so big, it spoils every single Christmas; waking up early and opening ALL the presents under the tree.
  194. My dick is so big its become aloof; maintaining just a nodding acquintance with my balls, and won't even speak to my asshole anymore.
  195. My dick is the only line drawing on the Nazca Plain in Peru that you can really see from space.
  196. My dick is so big, students will need a calculator with scientific notation.
  197. My dick is so big, it was a Varsity starter in all three sports since Freshman year!
  198. My dick is so big it subconsciously ducks its head just a little bit every time I walk thru a doorway.
  199. My dick's so big; in the playground, it could either teeter OR totter-but never reallly teeter-totter.
  200. My dick once blacked-out the entire Western US electrical grid, just using the blow dryer.
  201. My dick is so big, whenever there's a report of a huge dick jam, it'll usually be the dick at fault.
  202. My dick is so big, novice divers should be reminded to pressure-equalize their ears several times on the way down.
  203. My dick is so big, its only natural that it would experience its fair share of cattle mutilations and ghost ships.
  204. My dick is so big it lacks the agility to dodge the spinning propeller blades; it bears the wounds from encounters with several careless boaters.
  205. My dick needs to double its springtime weight; packing on fat in order to survive the long winter ahead.
  206. My dick is so big, Steve Irwin once lasso'd it with a top-jaw rope.
  207. My dick's so big, it can sit in the front row at Sea World and Shamu doesn't dare splash it.
  208. My dick is slated to host the 2016 Summer Olympics.
  209. My dick is so big, they won't let it ride ANY of the 'coasters at Six Flags.
  210. My dick's so big, it'll be presenting a fireworks extravaganza after the show.
  211. My dick is so big, rising fuel costs have forced it to cancel its summer travel plans.
  212. My dick is so big it needs those specially fitted orthopedic shoes.
  213. My dick is so big it periodically sheds its skin. Got enough last month to make a pair of motorcycle boots, three wallets and this belt.
  214. My dick golfs with the mayor.
  215. My dick is so big it must signal with three long horn blasts before making sternway.
  216. My dick has an old rusty harpoon stuck in it.
  217. My dick blows out the candles no matter who's birthday it is.
  218. My dick is so big, even after 101 jokes, its still pretty funny.
  219. My dick is so big, they had to use bolt cutters for my vasectomy.
  220. My dick is so big, my bed is equipped with airbags.
  221. My dick is so big, I have to set up orange traffic cones when I take a piss outside.
  222. My dick is so big, I have to wear a back brace when I masturbate.
  223. My dick is so big, my wife uses it for a body pillow.
  224. My dick is so big, sometimes it jerks ME off.
  225. My dick is so big, my urologist has to rent a forklift for my annual prostate exam.
  226. My dick is so big, it's part of the government bailout plan.
  227. My dick is so big, it is a source of employment.
  228. My dick is so big, Rumsfeld holds briefings about it.