Paranormal
A girl phoned me the other day and said, "Come on over, there's nobody home." I went over. Nobody was home.
I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
I saved a girl from being attacked last night. I controlled myself.
I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.
I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.
I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.
I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.
I worked in a pet store and people would ask how big I would get.
I'm at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I've just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
If it wasn't for pick-pockets, I'd have no sex life at all.
It's tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won't drink from my glass.
Life is just a bowl of pits.
Most of the arguments to which I am party fall somewhat short of being impressive, knowing to the fact that neither I nor my opponent knows what we are talking about
My cousins gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
My kids scotch tape worms to the sidewalk and watch the birds get hernias.
My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.
I'm so ugly - My mother had morning sickness - After I was born.
My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
When I was a kid, I got no respect. My uncle's dying wish - he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met!
My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.
My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.
My wife wants sex in the back of the car and she wants me to drive.
My wife was afraid of the dark... then she saw me naked and now she's afraid of the light.
My wife's jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.
On Halloween, the parents sent their kids out looking like me.
One year they asked me to be poster boy - for birth control.
Some dog I got too. We call him Egypt. Because in every room he leaves a pyramid.
The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.
(Hospital) They change the sheets every day... from one bed to another.
This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the fruit-of-the-loom guys laughing at me.
We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
What a dog I got, his favorite bone is in my arm.
What a kid I got, I told him about the birds and the bee and he told me about the butcher and my wife.
When I was a kid I got no respect. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we'll never see each other!
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Yeah, I know I'm ugly... I said to a bartender, 'Make me a zombie.' He said 'God beat me to it.'
During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
I was so poor growing up, if I wasn't born a boy I'd have nothing to play with.
I went to see my doctor. "Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me?" He said..."I don't know but your eyesight is perfect."
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
Its been a rough day. I got up this morning, put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase, and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom.
When I tried to kiss my date goodnight she pushed me away. I said "Is there someone else?" She said "There must be".
At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can't.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I put my hand in some cement and felt another hand.
I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face
I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.
I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
Boy... tough neighborhood. In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.
Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, 'What's the matter, you can't think of anybody either?
I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens
I come from a stupid family. During the civil war my great uncle fought for the west
When I was born, the doctor said to my father, "I'm sorry, we did everything we could but he still pulled through".
What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper 4 times - 3 while I was reading it
What a dog I got. I tried to mate her - she wants 50 biscuits.
What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.
I went to a gay bar, they wanted proof of sex so I showed them, they said it wasn't enough.
I went to a freak show and they let me in for free.
I stuck my head out the window and got arrested for mooning.
I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said " On your mark ......"
I was lost and asked a cop to help me find my parents "Do you think we'll find them", He says, "I don't know there's so many places to hide"
Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it's different; when I open the door the kids hand me candy.
When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles, So he nailed my other foot to the floor.
My wife made me join a bridge club ... I jump next Tuesday.
One time I went into a hotel, I asked the bellhop to handle my bag - he felt up my wife.
Boy what a hotel that was, why... they stole my towel!
It's tough to stay married. My wife says no because she's tired then stays up and reads her book.
Last week my tie caught on fire, some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
A travel agent told I could spend 7 nights in Hawaii... no days, just nights.
My problem is that I appeal to everyone that can do me absolutely no good.
They say 'love thy neighbor as thy self.' What am I supposed to do, jerk him off too?
At Christmas time I sat on Santa's lap. His fly was open! Boy what a present he gave me!
I bought a new book, '100 new ways to make love'. I ended up in traction - it was a misprint.
My sex life is terrible, my wife put a mirror over the dogs bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
I'm a bad lover. I once caught a peeping tom booing me.
My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex, and she said, "No, one drag is enough."
I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn't see the mouse trap.
People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them "Are you kidding, I'm envious of a stiff wind!"
A hooker once told me she had a headache.
I went to a massage parlor, they said it was self service.
My only thrill is self inflicted hickies.
I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.
After making love to this girl she started crying, I said "Are you going to hate yourself in the morning", She says, "No I hate myself now"
I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
My wife is so fat that when she lays on the beach the people feel sorry for her and try to roll her back into the water.
My wife is so fat that the last time I saw something that big it was grazing.
She was so fat that when she got on the scale a card came out saying one at a time.
She was so fat that her bathtub has stretch marks.
She was so fat that her belly button makes an echo.
She was so fat that she has her own postal code.
She was so ugly that she was known as a two bagger, one for you in case her bag breaks.
She was so ugly that when I bent down to pet her cat it turned out to be the hair on her legs.
She was so ugly that I took her to a dog show and she won first prize.
She was so ugly that they use her in prisons to cure sex offenders.
She was so ugly that when two men broke into her apartment and she yelled "Rape!" They yelled "Nooooooo!"
She was so ugly that the last time I saw a mouth like that it had a hook in it.
My wife's got a face like a saint - a Saint Bernard.
There's only one thing wrong with my wife's face - it shows.
She was so ugly that her face could stop a sundial.
Went to a bar for a few drinks. The bartender asked what I wanted, "Surprise me" I said. So he showed me a naked picture of my wife.
One night I asked a cabbie to take me where the action is, he took me to my house.
I went to look for a used car and found my wife's dress in the back seat.
One day I came home and saw a guy jogging naked, I said "Hey buddy why are you doing that", he said "cause you came home early".
I once had a problem ... so I tried group sex. Now I have a new problem - who to thank.
Group sex? Are you kidding! I had group sex - My wife screwed in front of the jury.
My friends and I play a new version of Russian roulette, we pass around six girls and one of them has V.D.
I told him I think my wife has V.D. he gave himself a shot of penicillin
I told my dentist I want a tooth to match the others. He gave me one with four cavities
He found a new way to cover up his bad breath. He holds up his arms.
His breath is so bad, why every time he smokes he blows onion rings.
At Christmas time we couldn't afford tinsel, so we'd wait till grandpa sneezed.
Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy's check next to me I said "Hey buddy, I got your check" he said "Thanks!"
My wife has to be the worst cook. I don't believe meatloaf should glow in the dark
My wife has to be the worst cook. In my house, we pray after we eat.
My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.
My wife has to be the worst cook. I've got the only dog who begs for Alka-Seltzer.
Why her cooking is so bad that the flies pitched in to fix the screen door. I leave dental floss in the kitchen and watch the roaches hang themselves.
One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her "You cooked it, you take it out".
I have three kids, one of each.
I have a son in college. He's majoring in fucking up.
What a mean kid too. Why he puts crazy glue in my preparation H.
For Christmas one year I bought my son a BB gun. He bought me a t-shirt with a bulls eye on the back.
My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
Boy is my wife stupid. It takes her and hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughters no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
She failed her drivers test. She couldn't get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the library the sign says "Shut the fuck up"!
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional, the knife had butter on it.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps - from moving cars.
I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, "I don't know, no one has ever made it".
I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why every time I shut the window I hurt somebody's fingers.
The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guys pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.
Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
I got a book for my birthday "How to make it big" I had to take it back.
Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.
I bought a new Japanese car, I turned on the radio ... I didn't understand a word they were saying.
I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
I bought a perfect second car ... a tow truck.
My wife's not to smart. I told her our kids were spoiled. She said, "All kids smell that way".
Once somebody stole our car. I asked my wife if she saw who it was. She said "No, but I did get the license number".
My wife had her drivers test the other day. She got 8 out of 10. The other 2 guys jumped clear.
My cousins gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
My cousins gay, in school while other kids were dissecting frog, he was opening flies.
One time I got a college girl. She majored in business and psychology. For a 100 dollars she'd blow your mind.
You know you're drunk when you take a leak and your fly isn't open.
I tell ya, my wife and I, we don’t think alike. She donates money to the homeless, and I donate money to the topless.
I’m so ugly my father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, “Look, twins!”
With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, "How can I get my kite in the air?" He told me to run off a cliff.
I tell ya when I fly, I don't get no respect. I took one of those cheap flights, no frills. I finished eatin' and had to do the dishes. And I tell ya I got no confidence in the pilot. When he makes a left turn he puts his hand out.
The other day I went out on a blind date. They told me that she had early American features....turns out she looked like a buffalo!
It was the same thing in the army, no respect. They gave me a uniform that glowed in the dark.
I get no respect at all. I donated to a sperm bank. Now I'm the father of three puppies.
I tell ya I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetary plot. The guy said, "There goes the neighborhood!"
Hey , I don't get respect from anyone. Why, American Airlines, they thanked me for flying United.
I don't get no respect. I told my psychiatrist I got suicidal tendencies. He said from now on I have to pay in advance.
I don't get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.
I don't get no respect. I joined Gambler's Anonymous. They gave me two to one I don't make it.
I'm tellin' ya I get no respect. When I was in Switzerland, I got an obscene yodel.
Last Christmas I got no respect. In my stocking, I got an odor-eater.
What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn't help me at all.
Don't get no respect at all from my dog. Well, he keeps barking at the front door. He doesn't want to go out. He wants me to leave.
With my doctor, I don't get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don't need one.
I tell ya when I was a kid, all I knew was rejection. My yo-yo, it never came back!
When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, "I'm gonna run away from home." She said, "On your mark..."
With my old man I got no respect. When he told me I should start at the bottom. He was teaching me how to swim.
With my old man I got no respect. When he took me hunting he gave me a three minute head start. Then on the way home he tied me to the fender and put the deer in the car.
With my old man I got no respect. He told me never take candy from a stranger unless he offered me a ride.
When I was a kid I got no respect. Every week my old man took me to the zoo. I found out he was trying to make a trade.
When I was a kid I got no respect. When I went on the roller coaster, my old man told me to stand up straight.
When I was a kid I got no respect. I asked my old man if I could go ice skating on the lake. He told me to wait till it gets warmer.
When I was a kid I got no respect. I had no friends. I remember the see-saw. I had to keep runnin' from one end to the other.
When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn't even look for me.
With girls I get no respect. A belly dancer told me I turned her stomach.
I was such an ugly kid that my mother breast-fed me through a straw.
I joined the Optimists Club. Within a week all the others had committed suicide.
When I went trick-or-treating, neighbors didn't bother with apples, they just handed me a razor blade.
I sez to the bartender, gimme the strongest t'ing you have. His bouncer beat me up!
When I go to a restaurant, the waiters make me spit in my own iced tea.
I asked Kevorkian for help. He mailed me a noose.
I told my wife, Let's have sex like animals. She said, All right, I'll be a possum.
My wife's ugly. She hands out whistles to construction workers.
I don't get no respect. My wife's favorite position is back to back.
