Paranormal
Customer: "One of my friends gave me an ImageWriter printer and this keyboard. He said he gave me all the cables, but I can't figure out how to connect them. Am I missing something?"
Tech Support: "Well, a computer would help."
Customer: "You mean this keyboard isn't a word processor?"
Tech Support: "No ma'am, its just an input device."
Customer: "Then I need to buy a computer, right?"
Tech Support: "Yes."
Customer: "Do you think I'll need a monitor, too?"
Customer: "My computer's telling me I performed an illegal abortion."
Received by email:
Dear Creater of this good game,
I like your game and I wish I could play it more but I can't.
I could play it just fine the very first times I tried. But now I cant cause I put in a name and password it loads like for 5 minutes then a BRRIINNNK noise pops my speakers and a word thing popped up and said something wierd like Operation Collapsed or something like that. Please write me back!!!
Customer: "It says I have 2 zillion bytes available, and I need 8 zillion."
Student: "Hey, how do I lodge in to Hotmail?"
Me: "You've got to type in your username and password in those fields that say 'username' and 'password'."
Student: "I don't have one of those."
Me: "You need one to log in to Hotmail."
Student: "It's 'LODGE' in."
Me: "The term is 'log in,' and you can't log in without a username and password. I can help you create one if you'd like."
Student: "Um, excuse me, but I THINK I know what I'm talking about. It's LODGE in, and I don't want a username and password, I just want to get some email!"
I just went back to working after that, and he left complaining about how "crappy" the computers in the lab were, after trying to "lodge in" for ten more minutes.
Customer: "I have a cursing flasher."
Customer: "It says one copy filed."
Customer: "I'm in the CONSYS.FIG file."
Customer: "I have SETUP.EXERSIZE on my B floppy."
My Grandmother: "I can't find the sloppy disk!"
My Teacher: "Do you have a booty disk on hand?"
Me: (almost losing it) "Don't you mean a boot disk?"
My Teacher: "Oh no. I need a booty disk to make the system booty up."
I could contain my laughter no more. I got in trouble for that one.
Customer: "I have Microword Soft."
Customer: "Microwave Windows?"
Customer: "Will this upgrade include Microwave 97?"
Customer: "I ran Microwave Defrost, but it didn't help."
(Referring to Microsoft Defrag.)
I was having a conversation with a friend in the computer cluster. A girl overheard us and piped up.
Me: "So, what's your ICQ number?"
Girl: (staring) "Why do you need an icy cucumber?"
A friend had to go over to a bank and set everyone's software up. Since all the Internet software his company supports runs under MS Windows, he asked the manager "Do you have Windows?" The manager stared at him blankly and said, "No, we've got air conditioning."
Friend: "Yeah, I use this neat thing to build my web page. It has bars and stuff, and it's just like a normal picture. Internet Maker or something it's called."
Me: "Um, you mean Front Page Express."
Friend: "Yeah, that's it, my computer uses Windows 5, you know."
Me: "Windows 95?"
Friend: "No, Windows 5."
Me: "Windows 5 doesn't exist."
Friend: "Maybe it's Microsoft 5. Yeah, that's what it is. That's what the little box says."
Me: "You mean Internet Explorer 5."
Friend: "Yeah, my computer uses Internet Explorer 5. You know, my neighbor had an advance copy of Windows 95 in 1990."
Customer: "Yeah, my Internet Explorer can only save pictures as bumpy files."
(He was saving them as .bmp files.)
Customer: "Backsplash. Backsplash?"
Tech Support: "Backslash."
Customer: "C colon backspl...backslash."
Customer: "I just shut down Windows 95, and it says, 'It is NOT safe for me to turn off my computer.'"
Tech Support: "Um...are you sure?"
Customer: (terrified) "Yes!"
Tech Support: "Sir, read me the screen letter for letter."
Customer: "Ok. I, t, i, s, n, o, w--"
Tech Support: "There! It says 'now', not 'not'. Is there anything else I can help you with today, sir?"
Customer: "My computer won't start up."
Tech Support: "Is the power light on?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Is anything on the monitor?"
Customer: "Yes, it says to press F2 for setup, or I can press F1 and fill out a resume."
Tech Support: "May I ask what operating system you are running today?"
Customer: "A computer."
For my work-study job, I work tech support at a small college. One night I was working Help Desk and the phone rings. I pick it up to have a student telling me she can't get the computer to work.
Me: "What operating system are you running?"
Student: "Hunh?"
Me: "Do you have a Mac or a PC?"
Student: "Um, I don't know."
Me: "Ok. What does the screen look like?"
Student: "It's yellow."
Me: "Ok. What does it say on the computer CPU?"
Student: "What's that?"
Me: "The big grey box."
Student: "It doesn't say anything."
Me: "Never mind that...do you have a little 'Start' button at the bottom of the monitor?"
Student: "Monitor?"
Me: "The thing that looks like a TV sceen sitting on the grey box."
Student: "Oh! That! No. No start button."
Me: "Ok. Is there a little apple symbol anywhere on the screen?"
Student: (very puzzled) "Why would I have fruit on my computer?"
Back in the early days of Windows 95:
Customer: "I have Windows Thirty One."
Tech Support: "Ok, this program requires either Windows 95 or Win32s. Do you have Win32s on your system?"
Customer: "No, I have Windows Thirty One, not Thirty Two."
Tech Support: "Windows 3.1 is the operating system. Win32s is a program that makes your computer fast like Windows 95."
Customer: "What's Windows Ninety Five got to do with it?"
Tech Support: "You need either Windows 95 or Win32s to run this."
Customer: "I HAVE THIRTY ONE! WHY WON'T IT WORK?"
Tech Support: (giving up) "Ma'am, your computer is too old. Buy a new one with Windows 95."
Customer: "I've heard about Windows Three Hundred and Eleven. Wouldn't that be better than Ninety Five?"
About two months ago, a client called in screaming profanities at me and demanding that I either give him a refund on his one year old system or send a technician out to repair it immediately. His problem was that the taskbar was on the right-hand side of his screen, and he couldn't get it back to the bottom.
A few days ago, a client called in wondering why he couldn't delete items off the Windows desktop. It was soon discovered that he'd already dragged Internet Explorer, MS Outlook, and a few other items off into the recycle bin, and was trying to delete 'My Computer' and 'Network Neighborhood.'
From a Windows 95 user:
Customer: "I think my computer doesn't know what it is doing."
Tech Support: (pause) "Why? What is the problem with the system?"
Customer: "Well, it keeps asking me, 'What is this?'"
Customer: "I keep getting an error message whenever I try using the MSDOS mode in Windows 95."
Tech Support: "Can you describe what happens?"
Customer: "Well, I keep getting a black screen with an error message saying, 'C:\WINDOWS>'."
Customer: "Something's wrong with my computer."
Tech Support: "Like what?"
Customer: "When I turn it on the screen goes all black."
Tech Support: "Totally black?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Does it say 'C:\>' in the corner?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Then it's not really all black, is it?"
Customer: "I guess not."
Tech Support: "Type 'win' and press the enter key."
Tech Support: "What software are you using to backup?
Customer: "Ms. Dos." (spoken like it was a person, like Mr. Dos or Mrs. Dos)
Tech Support: "What, are you just copying the files with the xcopy or copy command?"
Customer: "Oh, no I use Ms. Backup for that."
